Assistant Parents — A Scourge

(An open letter to interfering child experts everywhere)

Please stop telling my kid how it is.

Consider for a moment that I may not agree with your nonsense. It may in fact be sense, but it is still possible that I don’t agree with it.

I will never tell your kid how it is. This is critical to my position.

If your kid is about to run into oncoming traffic I will stop her. I’ll say to her, ‘Whoa, careful, the street can be dangerous.’

What I won’t say is, ‘Have you lost your mind? What are you doing. Stay on the sidewalk, or you’re going to get smoked by a car.’

The reason I won’t say this is that I realize it might not reflect your idea of good parenting, and I respect that.

If your child is about to eat a turd I will certainly attempt to stop him. What I won’t do is explain to him how it is. That’s your job.

I see no point in trying to talk this behavior away in one brief session.

‘Well Bobby, you see, poo is the waste of another creature and eating it is really dumb. Another creature has decided that this deuce has no value, whatsoever. Everything that was good about the cheezie is gone. Should you insist upon continuing this behavior you will find yourself very sick and completely without friends.’

The tone that I think is appropriate isn’t necessarily the one that you think is appropriate. Fair enough, I will leave it to you.

I have my own hands full. Knowing when to cajole and when to turn up the heat is tricky. I can’t imagine that I will ever be in a place where I’m so supremely confident that I know more about your children and their needs than you do.

It may be that one day I will achieve this level of insight.
Clearly it frees you to co-parent.

How liberating this must be. To no longer be constrained by your own difficulties with your own child.

Who, by the way, is running in the street and eating turds, and probably could use some guidance.

While we are chatting:

If I have begun to address my child about an incident that has just occurred, there are no circumstances, none, under which it is acceptable for you to talk over me to him or her.

Seriously, not a one.

You need to find a way to control your compulsive desire to speak to all children at all times. And it is not acceptable to simply wait until you think I have finished and start giving my kid your testimony.

What motor moves you to believe that my little boy or girl will be inclined to consider what you have to say? They are occasionally little concerned with my opinion, and I can assure you my opinion carries more weight with them than yours.

Barring evidence of some outrageous stupidity on my part, let me deal with my kid and I will afford you the same courtesy.

I realize that you are just trying to “help” and I realize you consider me to be an asshole for telling you that you are not.

But I have no way of caring about this because I need to focus on my kid and not be distracted by you.