Enter The Wobbler

If your four year old boy is pitching a significant wobbler, you have two possible responses as I see it. You can ignore him or you can engage him.

Each is a valid response depending on circumstance but, in my case, only one is ultimately effective.

If I choose door two, usually errantly and with great misgivings, then I am now faced with a further two options:

I can offer him many words which he will hear, understand, instantly recognize as useful intel, and summarily ignore. Or, I can effect a jungle style removal to conclude the proceedings.

(This latter approach has a one hundred percent success rate.
Only to be used in public, as a nod to the greater good.)

I realize from observing other parents faced with this situation that the effective approach of door two/option two, is generally considered a last resort. I understand, but I feel this is a time sensitive issue.

It feels like the fear of the judgment of others leads to this reticence. The fear of being a featured player in a scene that everyone watching knows will, nine out of ten times, conclude with the physically larger player leading the smaller off the stage firmly.

And that stops people from acting quickly and efficiently, in the best interests of all concerned, should the need to act arise.

It’s such a great irony that words are the pro forma move, and yet they serve only to drag out the drama.

Which my man knows and more than occasionally approves of.

There exists no circumstances under which you should be worried that you have offended anyone by picking up a freaking out four year old and removing him from the stage.

As long as he’s yours.

And that’s the crux of it for me, you have to know what’s best for the beast.

Which brings me back to my personal circumstance. When the beast appears, I feel he’s of small physical stature — and I have literally cut his claws recently — and a fantastically strong mental nature. I am familiar with his work.

He is not a threat to anyone and regroups quickly enough to be given the benefit of some small block of time.

So ignoring him until he gets sorted out is manifestly more effective. In the long and short term. It lasts a minute or two and is over, what remains of the confusion is a beautiful boy.

Who, if necessary, I can send on a goodwill tour of the gathered.

The only drawback to this approach, and only in public, is the awkward focus that you and yours have now most certainly obtained from others. Who cares.

I dare them to look me in the eye with anything other than compassion. It doesn’t bother me for two seconds that my kid might be weirdly entertaining, or annoying, them for a couple of minutes.

I’m not going to be a dick about it, after two minutes or so it’ll stop. If not gently through door one, then door two will be activated.

Until then, just relax, everyone in the audience pulled this move at some point in their career as a child.

And every one of them who can recall the feeling, knows that however the drama ends most quickly, and peacefully, is best for the child.